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| Image Cred: Namito Kiwa |
Matthew Henry (Bible commentary writer extraordinaire) once wrote, “Every temptation to draw us from duty, should quicken us the more to duty.”
For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. (Romans 7:18-20)
Sometimes, I just want to punch myself. Remember the scene from the movie Liar, Liar when Jim Carrey's character beats himself up in the restroom? Like that.
It seems to me from this passage from the Book of Romans that Paul was frustrated with himself at times, too. I appreciate Paul sharing his internal conflict, for try as I might to stop or change certain behaviors, I continue to wrestle with myself. I know that I can be prideful. Many times, I’m unkind and impatient. Sometimes, I don’t even like people. Not just some people. All people. That’s when I know for sure I’m in a rotten place. I battle with these flaws, weaknesses, and dishonoring characteristics. And, through the work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me, I have seen changes. Over time, I am becoming more Christ-like in these areas. Though, make no mistake, I have quite a journey to go.
It seems to me from this passage from the Book of Romans that Paul was frustrated with himself at times, too. I appreciate Paul sharing his internal conflict, for try as I might to stop or change certain behaviors, I continue to wrestle with myself. I know that I can be prideful. Many times, I’m unkind and impatient. Sometimes, I don’t even like people. Not just some people. All people. That’s when I know for sure I’m in a rotten place. I battle with these flaws, weaknesses, and dishonoring characteristics. And, through the work of the Holy Spirit dwelling within me, I have seen changes. Over time, I am becoming more Christ-like in these areas. Though, make no mistake, I have quite a journey to go.
There is one area, unfortunately, where I am not seeing much change yet. The enemy keeps slithering in to wreak havoc. It’s that button of mine that when pushed, renders me stupid. I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. It’s where I continue to fall pray to the devil’s schemes.
I say “yes.” And, I know why I do. It’s not that I can’t say “no.” In fact, I have learned how to say “no” very well. No, I can’t meet for coffee. No, I would not like to give to that cause today. No, I will not stand by and tolerate that behavior. No, I don't agree with you. No problem.
My button is the “I want to be important” button. It’s a hot one. When that button is pressed, there is no telling what I will say yes to. Yes, I will take that leadership role. Yes, I can do that for you but only because you are so nice and tell me I would be great at it. Why, thank you for the compliment, and of course I can add that responsibility to my already full plate. After all, I thirst for approval and recognition. So much so that when my “I feel important” button is pushed, I’ll do just about anything you ask!! < Insert punch to throat. >
I lost count the number of times I have told myself that I will be intentionally focused on the work God has me doing. Then, I get distracted. Immeasurable are the times I have set my schedule to allow for rest, reflection, and quiet times to fill me up, but then I compromise those blocks of time. I know I must say more of what Nehemiah said to those who aimed to distract him from building the wall. I am involved in a great work. I cannot come.
Despite my head knowledge, these are the thoughts that creep in and destroy my loyalty to pursuing God’s will for me (being so transparent here, so please offer me three or four tons of grace):
I like being considered the “go to person.”
I want to be needed by others.
I want to be important in other people’s eyes.
I like making decisions.
I like feeling successful in every worldly sense of the word.
I like being a leader.
I want to make a lasting difference. (This one is actually good, but sometimes I question my motive.)
I try to convince others and myself that I don’t seek out approval from anyone above God, but that is obviously a lie. Wanting approval from others is fine. My problem is that my need for approval from others is distracting me from God. Just as a drug addict continues to depress the syringe despite the harm, I continue to give in to pride as compliments fuel my self-worth. So, I keep saying yes. It’s maddening. With each stroke of my ego, I bend my priorities to feed my insecurities rather than bend my heart towards God’s direction and purpose for me. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. The enemy knows that if he keeps me busy with good things and lofty goals, I won’t have time for the best things, the things for which I was created for in the first place. When we do not live out our true identities in Christ, we are susceptible to manipulation. As it turns out, Paul was right. My flesh – even my heart – is wicked apart from Christ’s love and power.
Jesus came to serve, not be served. The Lord teaches that those who are last will be first. I am only going to become a difference maker in the truest and noblest sense of the word if I face this prideful desire to feel important, stare down the enemy, don the armor of God, and keep my priorities in order. I must die to myself in order to fully live. I must say no even when my sinful nature urges me to say yes. The truth is, if I prioritize God’s yeses for my life, I will be making the greatest possible impact in this world and truly feel the weighty importance of living out my divine purpose. Then, in the end, perhaps I will hear the ultimate phrase of approval any one of us can receive: “Well done my good and faithful servant.” All this I know... so did Paul.
And for your own secret hot buttons, so do you...
Prayer: Father God, thank You for inspiring Paul to include this heartfelt struggle in his letter to the Romans. The struggle is real! All of us are engaged in an internal battle. Some button is being pushed. Some sinful thought pattern or behavior remains within, ensnaring our hearts and rendering us incomplete. I pray against the enemy’s schemes to keep us trapped in our sinful natures. I pray the Holy Spirit continues its work in me – in all of us believers – as we wrestle with our innermost buttons. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.
Influenced by my prayer life, Romans 7:18-20, Nehemiah 6:3, Psalms 25:8-9, Isaiah 5:15, Matthew 20:6, Jeremiah 17:9, Ephesians 4:21, Ephesians 6:11, James 4:7, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, Interrupted: When Jesus Wrecks Your Comfortable Christianity by Jen Hatmaker, and the struggles within my soul.
©2012-2016 Cortney Donelson. All rights reserved.
Cortney's book, Clay Jar, Cracked: When We're Broken But Not Shattered is available now at www.cortneydonelson.com! It will be available world-wide in bookstores and libraries through Morgan James Publishing when publicly released on March 7, 2017. Visit www.cortneydonelson.com for more information and to learn about the "I'm a Clay Jar" Encourager Class for groups! To schedule speaking engagements, please email Cortney directly.
