Tough Girl By Cortney Donelson

Lamentations 3:58 (NIV)
“You, Lord, took up my case; You redeemed my life.”

“Pretend you don’t see her, and maybe she won’t stop.”

We all have a story. We all have wounds that bleed and shape who we are and the choices that we make. One of those choices is to allow God to heal our wounds – to sow them up and permit Him to use them for good. He wants us to grow more holy, and sometimes we can only do that through the pain.

My painful story starts in the summer between fifth and sixth grade … that oh-so-difficult transitional summer between elementary and middle school. My best friend lived down the street from me. Right now, I want you to think of your childhood best friend. Think of the secrets you knew about each other. Consider all the long phone calls, whispers, laughs, tears … everything. We had been friends since kindergarten, and we were inseparable.

One day during that summer as I was riding my bike around the block, I saw my best friend in the street talking with another neighbor friend. As I rode closer to stop and hang out with them, I heard these stinging words from her as she spoke to our neighbor, “Pretend you don’t see her, and maybe she won’t stop.”

Please read that again: “Pretend you don’t see her, and maybe she won’t stop.”

I did not stop. I don’t know if it was shock, pride, anger, disbelief – it could have been all of them. I actually don’t even remember the rest of the bike ride home. I only know that we never spoke again – never. Not through middle school, high school, or beyond. I started middle school feeling very much alone.

I have no idea what changed that summer. I still have no answers for what I may have done that caused her to abandon me in that way. Sadly, I allowed her words to deeply wound me. I let that rejection from a trusted friend change how I viewed all my future friendships. From that point forward, I believed I couldn’t trust another girlfriend again. The friendships throughout the rest of my school years and young adult life were proof of my bleeding wound. My relationships were superficial and short-lived. I moved from one “best friend” to another, leaving a line of girls in my wake as I tried desperately to avoid more pain. You know what I did? I learned how to abandon others before they could abandon me. If there was a hint of an upcoming rejection or any indication a friend was getting too close to someone else, I ran. I turned into a jealous, scared, and very lost teenager on the inside and a tough girl on the outside – tough, but very much alone. That toughness followed me into adulthood.

There are at least two paths we women take when we are wounded. We can become “people pleasers” or “tough girls.” People pleasers try to make everyone happy. They may even make the mistake of thinking other people’s happiness is their responsibility. Secretly, they long to just be loved. But, as a consequence for abandoning their own hearts, they lose their precious boundaries – they lose themselves.

Tough girls act like they can’t ever be hurt. These women are difficult to get to know. They put a shield over their heart in the hopes of protecting it from future pain. Unfortunately, that shield prevents the “good stuff” from passing through their heart as well. I became a tough girl. I didn’t let anyone get too close to me. I learned to hide my heart and avoid sharing it fully. I became completely independent, forgetting that God designed us for relationships. In both cases, our true hearts fail to show up. Thankfully, that is precisely when God steps in.

God became my anchor and allowed my heart to be exposed and still feel safe. God showed me what true friendship and love are supposed to look like. God opened up my wounded story and taught me how to trust again. He taught me how to forgive. He stopped the bleeding and redeemed my relationships. “You, Lord, took up my case; You redeemed my life.” I learned that no matter what goes on in my life, I always have a best friend in Jesus. If I am wounded, I still have the security of knowing I am loved. I have the assurance that I will never be abandoned by the One who created me. And, in knowing all this, I have learned how to trust others again. My friendships now are stronger than ever before. I allow my heart to show up, unshielded but with healthy boundaries. No more tough girl. I am truly redeemed!

So, what do you say we put down our people-pleasing or tough-girl exteriors and find out how freeing it is to just be loved and accepted by a Holy God who made us perfectly – perfectly capable of allowing our true hearts to show up.

Prayer – God, You are a redeemer! Thank You for taking this tough girl and opening up my heart to all the possibilities that come with having trusting relationships. I know that in You, I will never be abandoned. I am loved and accepted – always! No matter what my circumstances, You are there for me. I praise You for that. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

© 2013 As A Clay Jar. All rights reserved.

I Don't Believe ... By Cortney Donelson

Job 10:12

“You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.”

I don’t believe in coincidences.

According to Google, a coincidence is “a remarkable concurrence of events or circumstances without apparent causal connection.” Did you know that the word coincidence is not found anywhere in the Bible? I know. I looked in five different translations. It seems to me God doesn’t believe in coincidences either. I can’t think of any other reason there’s absolutely no mention of it in the Bible – the God-inspired book where Scripture “is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12)

Do we tend to exchange miracles for coincidences and miss out on God’s amazing grace in our lives? Have we called answered prayers simply “luck” and dismissed our Creator’s loving gifts? Have we ever averted our eyes and missed God’s providence, choosing to believe in pure happenstance? In the past, I know I have mistaken His provision for mere fate. When we make these perspective choices, I think we ignore a huge part of the amazing relationship God seeks to have with us.

I would like to share with you two recent “coincidences” to one very specific prayer.

I heard the taunting. It was that voice in my head – the one that is not very complimentary. It’s the voice that tears me down, rekindles my fears, and speaks anything but words of encouragement. Do you hear that voice too? His name is Satan.

I knew it was him the moment it started. I began to feel “not good enough.” I started to question why I was writing talks for church ministries and wondering who was I to be posting devotional blogs. I started to ask myself questions like, “Why do I believe I am making any difference at all?” Thankfully, I recognized the enemy’s voice and started to pray against it.

“God, I know you have a plan for me. I know these feelings of “not good enough” are just attacks – ones meant to strip me of my confidence. I will not bow down to the lies. But, God, I need some confirmation from You. I need You to show me that I am writing messages that are good enough for Your will to be done. I need to know You are here as I pen out these devotionals and these talks. If You could just show me that I have impacted one person for You – just one – then I will know I am supposed to continue on this path,” I prayed.

I told my husband about the enemy’s taunts and how they were getting worse. I confided in him that I was nervous that one of my upcoming talks wasn’t going to be good enough – wasn’t going to impact anyone in the way I hoped. I shared with him that I wanted it to be perfect so that God could use me to make a difference. His reply was, “Of course the taunts are worse – you are getting dangerously close to not only living your life completely for God, but helping others do the same.” He was right.

The next day, I was in the middle of the Esther Bible Study by Beth Moore. I read these words and fell flat on my face and cried: “Beloved, do we believe that the only way to do something acceptable is to do it perfectly? Sometimes God is more aware than we of just how much He requires of us. He knows how hard it’s going to be for us … He’s proud of us for fighting overwhelming human emotions to do His will.” Praise You, God! The exact thing I had asked God for as confirmation was just handed to me by Him the very next day!

But God wasn’t finished yet. The second day, several individuals – people whom I was not even aware were reading my blog – thanked me for one of my recent posts. These friends’ encouragements were more answered prayer! Not only had God told me that I was good enough and reminded me that I didn’t have to be perfect, He gave me the confirmation I needed that others were being touched by my blog. Just as with Job, God was watching over me. “You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.” My spirit was being tested, but God showed me He was there and reminded me of His kindness.

Was it coincidence that “Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.” (Genesis 25:21)

Was it coincidence that “David built an altar to the Lord there and sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings. Then the Lord answered his prayer in behalf of the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped.” (2 Samuel 24:25)

Was it also coincidence that I asked God for confirmation, and within 48 hours, the Lord answered my prayer – twice over?

I refuse to live in a way that would shun God’s grace. I refuse to reject God’s little gifts. Some people may call these events “coincidences.” I believe those who do are missing out on one of the most beautiful aspects of connecting with a Heavenly Father who loves us beyond imagination.

So, here is my new definition of a coincidence: “A coincidence is a set of events (aka blessings) orchestrated by God for His divine purpose but whose recipient refuses to accept as gifts from God, thereby (sadly) choosing to believe fate, rather than providence, is a more powerful force in his or her life.”

Do you still believe in coincidences?

Prayer – Lord, Your gifts and blessings show us Your infinite kindness. I thank You for watching over us. Thank You for every answered prayer and every act of love You provide. I pray that those who don’t see Your hand in their lives come to discover how powerful it truly is. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

© 2013 As A Clay Jar. All rights reserved.

A Church Home By Cortney Donelson

Matthew 16:18 (MSG)
Jesus came back, “God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah … My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am. And now I’m going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock. This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out.”

HOME

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

This song, “Home,” by Phillip Phillips was performed by my church’s worship team not long ago. It was amazingly beautiful. It was also the final nudge I needed to fully surrender to God’s promptings. I sat in the sanctuary and listened while tears burned my eyes. My throat grew thicker as I desperately tried not to sob. I knew in my heart that it was the answer to my prayers – the final confirmation I had been seeking. God was calling my family “home.” He was calling us back to church – this church.

Despite being members for nine years, we had no longer felt connected. We had even visited other churches and prayed about moving our family someplace new. I had joined a separate ministry team outside the church. My husband’s energy became more vested in professional groups rather than spiritual groups. We had lost touch with Jesus through the church, yet God never released us from it. I wanted the energy back. God did too!

Matthew 16:18 in The Message says, Jesus came back, “God bless you, Simon, son of Jonah! You didn’t get that answer out of books or from teachers. My Father in heaven, God himself, let you in on this secret of who I really am. And now I’m going to tell you who you are, really are. You are Peter, a rock. This is the rock on which I will put together my church, a church so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out.”

As the spiritual head of our family, my husband was way ahead of me. Prior to that Saturday night service, where I was doing everything I could to remain composed, my husband had revealed to me a vision he had of the two of us meeting with our senior pastor and the high school ministry leader. It made no sense to me – our children are young, not teenagers. I was confused and fearful about what his vision meant for us … until I heard these lyrics:

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

God wants us involved in our church. We have a story to tell. The gates of hell are no match for the energy of His church. He was asking us to fulfill a purpose by ministering through our story. God desperately hoped we would say “yes.” We did. He was calling us back to our church to minister together as a married couple and individually as wounded, yet restored, children of God. It’s amazing how God can speak through anything – Scripture, a friend, a book, a song. When I sensed God asking me to change my “church” by leaving the independent women’s ministry to put all my energy into the church we almost abandoned, I asked for a lot of confirmation. I was afraid, sad, and even confused. Yet, when I heard that song performed during that evening service, it was as if Jesus was singing it directly to me.

Just know you're not alone
Cause I'm going to make this place your home

My soul is spilling over with anticipation for what lies ahead. We have started the process of getting plugged back in, always prayerfully mindful to follow God’s plan as we move forward and connect ourselves within our church home.

God speaks to us in many different ways. Is He speaking to you today?

Maybe you are struggling to find a church home where you feel a part of a family – where you and Jesus can intimately connect? Have you looked right where you currently attend? Maybe you are already home and just needed (this) confirmation to stay, and begin pouring out just as God has poured into you. If not, I pray you find that energy somewhere in a place you can call home.

Prayer – Lord, Your Church can come in so many forms. A group of believers, not related by blood but connected through Your blood as one family, is critical to our faith journeys. I pray we find the places that stir our spirits, fill our souls, and connect us to Your love and grace. I pray we pour out to others in our home churches as much as You pour into us. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

© 2013 As A Clay Jar. All rights reserved.

From Russia with Love By Cortney Donelson

If you follow international adoption, politics, or world news, you are aware of the immediate and devastating ruling Russia’s President Vladimir Putin imposed on the adoption of Russian children by United States’ couples. This ban, while mostly political in nature, affects thousands of orphans in Russia and many families here in the U.S. hoping to adopt them. My family is heartbroken. I posted this devotion on another blog site several months ago. In light of this ban, I want – no, need – to post it again in honor of my son, in sorrow for the children who may be left behind in Russian orphanages, and in hopes of bringing awareness to the gift of adoption. God never intended for His children to be abandoned and forgotten. I long for the day when every orphan’s crib is empty…

Romans 8:18 (NLT)

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.”

Gut-wrenching pain – I know it well. If you or anyone you know has ever suffered through infertility, then you know the heartbreak that couples who are struggling with this issue experience.

My husband and I tried to have a baby for almost four years. There were scheduled “date nights” when neither one of us was really in the mood, countless injections of hormones, hot flashes, ultrasounds, pregnancy tests, ovulation kits, test tubes, medical procedures, books, new diets, tears, and yes … many prayers. Our friends didn’t know what to say to us. Our family didn’t know how to help us. It was really tough. We watched in bittersweet agony as several family members and friends became pregnant and started their families.

Every morning at 5:00 a.m. I would sit and pray in the empty room that we had designated for our nursery just pleading with God. Sometimes I yelled too. I didn’t understand any of it. I prayed continuously to get pregnant. Why was God saying “no?”

Finally, after four long years, I relented and changed the content of my prayers. My pleas to get pregnant became prayers of “Your will be done,” and “God help me accept whatever you have planned for us.” God, ease my grief! Help me live again! That is precisely when I was hit “by the 2x4.” On a 10-second walk into a restaurant, God quietly whispered in my ear, “adopt.” It was just one word. A word that previously was so painful that I refused to hear or say it out loud had become God’s answer. It was then that I released my desires and grasped onto God’s will. We signed on with an adoption agency the following week.

Seven short months later, my husband and I traveled to Rostov, Russia to bring home our little baby boy. It was our agency’s fastest adoption process in history. As our case worker explained that no couple had ever received a referral in just two days, I heard God laughing. God had to hit me with that 2x4 in His perfect timing, and I had to be obedient right there in that restaurant parking lot … or we would have missed the greatest thing in our lives. We had to trust His will rather than our own as the best course for our lives. Just writing this brings me to tears. Had I not suffered as much as I did for those four years, I never would have relinquished my plan for His plan. I never would have met the little baby waiting for me on the other side of the world … the one who has changed my world forever! God knew this as He was catching every one of my tears during that time of agony.

Romans 8:18 says, “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.” Our trials and those things for which we suffer now pale in comparison to what God has in store for us in the future. It may be later in our lives here on earth, or it may be that we won’t fully understand until we are in all His glory praising Him in His Kingdom of Heaven. Me? I think it is often both.

Prayer – Dear Lord, thank You for waiting patiently for me during my seasons of struggles. Thank You for listening to every cry, catching every tear, and answering every prayer. I am so grateful to have the promise of Your glory and all that You will reveal in Your time! I pray I continue to embrace my trials and know they can be blessings. You are in complete control. In Jesus’ name I pray, AMEN!

© 2013 As A Clay Jar. All rights reserved.

Just One Word By Cortney Donelson

Psalm 45:7
“You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.”

Words are powerful.

I started a new tradition last year. Rather than struggling to keep a New Year’s resolution through 365 days of pure torture, I opted to live by a “Word of the Year.” This word would guide my decisions, my thoughts, my actions, and even my reactions. My word for 2012 was “PEACE.” An unknown individual once made this statement: “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work; it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” I invite you to take a step back with me into my year of peace…

The past 18 months started off hard. There really is no other way to describe it. There were countless people who had stepped all over my heartstrings, and I was struggling to forgive them. There was leftover chaos from moving my son to a new school and rebuilding his confidence and self-esteem. Our kids were yelling at each other on an hourly basis. We were engaged in too many activities, creating an atmosphere of endless running. My house was a mess. My husband and I were “two ships passing in the night” as we tag-teamed taxi services for after-school activities and attended our own evening meetings. Friends – with whom I don’t know what I would do without – watched our children many evenings as we continued this crazy schedule. On January 1, I said, “enough.”

I adopted the idea of living with the peace of Christ in order to end the family chaos and move on with the forgiveness that eluded me. This peace was never going to be something I could accomplish alone. God was going to be an integral part of this new plan for our family. For the next 12 months, with every decision my husband and I made, we asked ourselves, “Will this bring peace or more chaos to our home?” We learned to say “no” to activities, groups, and meetings that were not critical to our lives. Our son participated in only one after-school activity at a time, and our preschool-aged daughter could choose one outside hobby as well. Slowly, our lives calmed down enough to breathe.

I sat with God every day and prayed about forgiveness. I knew the bitterness, resentment, anger, and hurt housed in my heart were soaking through my pores, affecting my attitude and stealing my joy. The unforgiveness was hurting me more than those who had wronged me. My prayers for God’s grace and mercy to take over residence in my heart became constant. I knew I had to grab hold of that peace that surpasses the flesh’s understanding – Christ’s Peace – and hold on tight.  

On July 4, I finally accomplished one of the hardest things for many people to do – I forgave the unforgivable. That Independence Day, I was no longer dependent on anger or resentment. Freedom had arrived in a new way. I did not do it alone. God walked me through every step of the process. He did so because I was actively choosing peace rather than revenge and bitterness. In October, a family member who did not know about our “Word of the Year” initiative shared these sentiments with us during a visit: “Your house is so much more peaceful than mine. It’s quiet. It’s nice.” My heart beamed. With God, all things are possible!

This brings me to the New Year – 2013.

Proverbs 12:20 says, “Deceit is in the hearts of those who plot evil, but those who promote peace have joy.”

I prayed for a few weeks about which word to choose for 2013. The word “JOY” kept coming to me, but I fought it. It seemed too simple, too cliché. Yet time and time again, God pressed in on me. I sensed He wanted me to have the gift of joy in return for my obedience. One day, God showed me Psalm 45:7, and it all made sense. The work I had done towards removing chaos, slowing down to be with God, creating peace in our home, and forgiving others, was going to lead to something really awesome. “You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of JOY.” 

I am looking forward with great anticipation to my year of joy! Just as with my year of peace, I envision the joy will come from my specific and very intentional decisions and actions, ones that will be continually focused on Christ. For example, I am not so naive to think that living in a year filled with joy will not come with challenges or even sadness. I do not think it means every day will be filled with happiness or that I am responsible for the happiness of others. I anticipate my anointing of joy will show itself in my gratitude for what I do have … those things for which God has blessed me with. No matter what circumstances I find myself in, I can – and will – choose joy and thanksgiving. That is my promise to myself this year.

How about you? Can I challenge you to pray about a word for your life in 2013? I know God will have something incredible in store for you! By God’s design and not my own, my words have come from the fruit of the Spirit. Perhaps yours will too?

Galatians 5:22 (ESV)“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness”

P.S. Have a JOYFUL New Year!

Prayer – Heavenly Father, thank You for my year of peace. I could not have accomplished it without You. I am forever grateful for Your love and the promise to believers for a peace that surpasses all understanding. Even in the midst of anguish, tragedies, struggles, or injustices, we can find that peace that is Yours. I look forward to my year of joy and to how it will glorify You. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

© 2013 As A Clay Jar. All rights reserved.