Tough Girl By Cortney Donelson

Lamentations 3:58 (NIV)
“You, Lord, took up my case; You redeemed my life.”

“Pretend you don’t see her, and maybe she won’t stop.”

We all have a story. We all have wounds that bleed and shape who we are and the choices that we make. One of those choices is to allow God to heal our wounds – to sow them up and permit Him to use them for good. He wants us to grow more holy, and sometimes we can only do that through the pain.

My painful story starts in the summer between fifth and sixth grade … that oh-so-difficult transitional summer between elementary and middle school. My best friend lived down the street from me. Right now, I want you to think of your childhood best friend. Think of the secrets you knew about each other. Consider all the long phone calls, whispers, laughs, tears … everything. We had been friends since kindergarten, and we were inseparable.

One day during that summer as I was riding my bike around the block, I saw my best friend in the street talking with another neighbor friend. As I rode closer to stop and hang out with them, I heard these stinging words from her as she spoke to our neighbor, “Pretend you don’t see her, and maybe she won’t stop.”

Please read that again: “Pretend you don’t see her, and maybe she won’t stop.”

I did not stop. I don’t know if it was shock, pride, anger, disbelief – it could have been all of them. I actually don’t even remember the rest of the bike ride home. I only know that we never spoke again – never. Not through middle school, high school, or beyond. I started middle school feeling very much alone.

I have no idea what changed that summer. I still have no answers for what I may have done that caused her to abandon me in that way. Sadly, I allowed her words to deeply wound me. I let that rejection from a trusted friend change how I viewed all my future friendships. From that point forward, I believed I couldn’t trust another girlfriend again. The friendships throughout the rest of my school years and young adult life were proof of my bleeding wound. My relationships were superficial and short-lived. I moved from one “best friend” to another, leaving a line of girls in my wake as I tried desperately to avoid more pain. You know what I did? I learned how to abandon others before they could abandon me. If there was a hint of an upcoming rejection or any indication a friend was getting too close to someone else, I ran. I turned into a jealous, scared, and very lost teenager on the inside and a tough girl on the outside – tough, but very much alone. That toughness followed me into adulthood.

There are at least two paths we women take when we are wounded. We can become “people pleasers” or “tough girls.” People pleasers try to make everyone happy. They may even make the mistake of thinking other people’s happiness is their responsibility. Secretly, they long to just be loved. But, as a consequence for abandoning their own hearts, they lose their precious boundaries – they lose themselves.

Tough girls act like they can’t ever be hurt. These women are difficult to get to know. They put a shield over their heart in the hopes of protecting it from future pain. Unfortunately, that shield prevents the “good stuff” from passing through their heart as well. I became a tough girl. I didn’t let anyone get too close to me. I learned to hide my heart and avoid sharing it fully. I became completely independent, forgetting that God designed us for relationships. In both cases, our true hearts fail to show up. Thankfully, that is precisely when God steps in.

God became my anchor and allowed my heart to be exposed and still feel safe. God showed me what true friendship and love are supposed to look like. God opened up my wounded story and taught me how to trust again. He taught me how to forgive. He stopped the bleeding and redeemed my relationships. “You, Lord, took up my case; You redeemed my life.” I learned that no matter what goes on in my life, I always have a best friend in Jesus. If I am wounded, I still have the security of knowing I am loved. I have the assurance that I will never be abandoned by the One who created me. And, in knowing all this, I have learned how to trust others again. My friendships now are stronger than ever before. I allow my heart to show up, unshielded but with healthy boundaries. No more tough girl. I am truly redeemed!

So, what do you say we put down our people-pleasing or tough-girl exteriors and find out how freeing it is to just be loved and accepted by a Holy God who made us perfectly – perfectly capable of allowing our true hearts to show up.

Prayer – God, You are a redeemer! Thank You for taking this tough girl and opening up my heart to all the possibilities that come with having trusting relationships. I know that in You, I will never be abandoned. I am loved and accepted – always! No matter what my circumstances, You are there for me. I praise You for that. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

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