Search Me By Cortney Donelson

Psalm 139: 23-24 (NIV)

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Source: Unknown

Be careful what you pray for…

Every morning when I wake up, the first thing I do is reach for my phone. Before you decide I need to call SPA (Smartphones Anonymous), let me explain what I do when my sleepy eyes focus on the screen. I read my Bible app’s “verse of the day.” I spend a minute and meditate on it. On this particular day, I made it my honest and authentic prayer. I begged God to search me.

“Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. Amen.”

I slipped my tired body out of bed and staggered to the shower.

Three quick hours later, God delivered. I opened the door into the darkened play area at the pediatric eye doctor’s office with my 4-year-old daughter in tow. With her eyes beginning their dilation process, she stumbled past me to the toys. I stopped. In the corner of the dark room was a woman sitting in a chair. She was quietly sobbing, and she wasn’t trying to hide it. My daughter didn’t even notice her, which immediately sent up a flag in my heart. My child always notices. She has a habit of staring at people – something we have been working on with her.

As I sat down near my little girl while she played, my heart was being called to this woman. She was alone in the children’s waiting area. She wasn’t just leaking tears … they were pouring out, and my daughter seemed clueless there was someone else in the room. Something was up.

Then, God reminded me of my prayer earlier that morning, “…test me…” I sensed God asking me to go pray over her. He was testing me to see if I would act as a true follower who could put aside uncomfortable feelings of awkwardness and pride (my anxious thoughts) and obey His request.

I did what many of us do. I went halfway, hoping it would be enough.

“Ma’am, can I get you anything?”

She replied, “No, thank you.” I sat back down. God pulled on me harder. I had a vision of Jesus kneeling next to her and praying. I sat on the plastic chair designed for someone half my size and prayed for her quietly, under my breath. I knew it wasn’t what God was requesting, but at that moment, I just could not die to myself – to my anxious thoughts.

There was no condemnation from God. I felt a convicting love. God was showing me where I was still offensive to His ways. He was teaching me – leading me.

The lady was finally called out of the room by a nurse. I happened to catch her last name.

For the next 36 hours, I encountered that name three times. It was a name I had previously never heard of or ever seen. The first time, there was a feeling of more conviction, and I knew God was correcting me with a lesson. The next two instances, I felt God was calling me to pray for her by name until He said I should stop. I did. I prayed for her until He released her name from my narrowly focused world – three days later.

That one morning, I had earnestly asked God to search me and test me. He did. He revealed to me one of the areas where I still come up short. It is with my pride – my fear of being judged. We all come up short somewhere. It is why we all need Jesus. The good news is that I am now more aware of this weakness. I have a focus point for some serious spiritual development.

I thanked God for answering my prayer and “leading me in the way everlasting.”

Prayer – Lord, You know my heart better than I do. I am sorry for not following You with all my heart, mind, and soul every day. Some days I will fail. Thank You for the conviction without condemnation that You always provide to help guide us to You on those days we miss Your mark. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

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