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Just one.
My husband asked me about the end goal. My book was finished. The publisher was about to release it to the world. (Gasp!) What would success or victory look like?
My answer was genuine, and it seemed “right.” It did not matter to me how many books were sold. I didn’t care how much royalty money I earned back. My desire was that one person would be reached for Christ. If one individual out there contacted me to share that the book had opened his or her eyes to what a relationship with Jesus could do, I could say this whole venture was successful. If just one person let me know that it changed his or her life, I would be ecstatic. Then, all this would be worth it! The sorrow, the painful story, the late nights spent writing, and the cost – financial, relational, and emotional – would all be worth it if one person came to Christ after hearing my story. That is ultimately what matters, right? Or so I thought…
Then, my husband asked something that caused me to want to cry. “What if no one contacts you? What if you never find out if your story led someone to Christ?”
I stared at him, stunned. I don’t know! That’s why I wrote it! So God could use it … make the ugly beautiful … turn bad into good … make it worth it! I have to know if it’s done that! I panicked.
From the start of my writing, I had a specific audience in mind.
I initially wrote my book for those who are stuck in a hard place. I wanted them to know that while they may feel as if their life is crumbling around them, there is a way to prevent permanent shattering of the soul and mind. God can hold us together when life experiences crack us wide open. I wrote it to tell my side of a painful story in an effort to help others through their own struggles.
However, I felt God had a larger, more radical, and somewhat illogical target audience in mind when he gifted me with this story. As the book progressed, the readers I began to desperately write for became those who may not realize the depth of God’s love. My hope is that my story draws in those who do not have an intimate relationship with Jesus – those who need to hear that there is a God out there who will make all things good and redeem what seems unredeemable. Strong Christian believers know this, and I hope my story reminds them. But, those without this type of relationship with Jesus likely don’t realize this truth. They are out there struggling on their own. They are cracking wide open with no divine super glue because they are unaware of God’s mercy and power. They are not leaning on Him but on themselves, others, or worse – things – in an attempt to survive. I want those readers to know that God is bigger than any struggle. He is mightier than any horrible story. His promises never fail, and we are all only one broken, desperate, and dependent prayer away from a miracle … and an eternity with God!
So, as I envisioned my contacts at the publishing company questioning my decision and shaking their collective heads, I asked them to market my book in the Sex and Relationships sections and not in the Christian sections of the bookstores. Then, I hesitantly (but prayerfully) clicked on all the approval buttons.
Suddenly, with my husband’s promptings and questions, I was left with a personal dilemma: What if I never know if someone was won for Christ?
I began to circle my prayer life around this question. Could I still say the last three and a half years were worth it if I never find out the spiritual results of those who read my book? Can I rest in not knowing, but rather trusting? I prayed long and hard, constantly circling this idea. I asked God what He wanted in all this. I let go of what I thought was the noble answer of just one. I began to realize that my “one” was actually a selfish one. It would be my proof of success. It was so that I could sit back and say, “I’m finished. I did what I was supposed to do.” My “one” would be my proverbial pat on the back. It was for me. Not God. My “one” was one too many.
Humbled and convicted, I began to ask God how to pray for my book. I felt silly, selfish, and awkward praying for its release. I had no idea how to pray big without stepping across the lines of humility and selflessness. I knew I could not have made it through the struggle itself without God. I knew I could never have written the book without His grace, power, and wisdom. So, how do I ask for victory and favor in this area? What does success even look like and how can I always glorify God through it?
Through my prayers, God reminded me that He had prepared me for this time. During the past six months, the focus of the books I have been reading with friends has been how to pray big prayers. “If you don’t take the risk, you forfeit the miracle,” writes Mark Batterson in The Circle Maker. If God is the God of miracles, and I genuinely wrote out my story for His glory, then I should pray big. God honors bold prayers because the glory can only go to Him.
One is one too many, but hundreds are not enough. I had been underestimating God! The realization struck me hard. So today, I am praying big. I’m praying that God moves this book into the hands of thousands of unbelieving, seeking, fence-sitting, academic, agnostic, atheist, and luke-warm children of His who need to hear His message – those who need Him period. My victory has already occurred. It happened through the miracle of marriage restoration. It happened because of my relationship with Jesus. It happened through His life, death on the cross, and resurrection.
Now, I’m confident in this: When my prayers are honored, God is glorified a thousand times over. Even if I don’t hear a whisper about it, it will all still be worth it.
Prayer – Father God, thank You for stories. Thank You for holding us together in times of trouble. I pray for those who will pick up the book and hear the messages of redemption and forgiveness. I pray for those who find themselves in a pit – a struggle of such monumental significance – that they will come to know You are the only One who can intervene. I pray they find you whether it is through this book or any other means. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Influenced by Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 9 and Mark 9, Psalm 107, “The Prayer of Jabez” by Bruce Wilkinson, “Interrupted” by Jen Hatmaker, “The Circle Maker” by Mark Batterson, and “Good to Great in God’s Eyes” by Chip Ingram.
“Clay Jar Cracked” is currently available on Lulu.com. It will be available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other sites in about six to eight weeks.
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