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As I left off in my last blog post, my perfect little life had just fallen off its podium, crashing onto the cement below, causing a million well-hid, carefully compartmentalized, secretly controlled, marginally held-together cracks to bust wide open as one gaping fissure of failure for all to see.
If you are familiar with my story, you may assume that gaping fissure was my husband's betrayal and secret life of addiction. Well, that would be the wrong assumption. In my former life, that would be what I'd want you to think - to keep the focus off me.
The tiny cracks that busted wide open when my perfect little life lost it's top position on the idol pedestal were the following:
1. My belief that life could be perfect all the time.
2. My belief that a perfect life could only be achieved by success and not that a really good life is only made complete by failures.
3. My belief that if I could achieve perfection, then others could (dare I confess, "should") strive to achieve it, too.
4. My belief that I was in control of my life and sadly, everyone in it.
5. My belief that my husband could do no wrong.
6. My belief that achievement was the ultimate goal of this life.
7. My belief that I deserved a better life because of my own efforts and successes.
8. My belief that success was the appearance of happiness, significance, material gains, and power.
9. My belief that I alone was responsible for holding my whole life together and making it look easy.
10. My belief that if (when!) I made poor choices, I should hide them to protect my perfect little life and reputation.
These beliefs were the cracks that had snaked through my life, causing undetected spiritual and emotional damage.
If my perfect little life hadn't taken that plunge off its superior position, I would never have discovered the full measure of God's grace. I would have not experienced the gift Jesus offers when He says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." If my perfect little life had not spiraled out of control to crash and burn below, I would have never realized my utter need for a Savior. If I'm being honest, while playing the writer, director, producer, and lead actress in my perfect little life, I didn't truly understand the disconnection that "production" caused between God and me. I couldn't see how my perfection was a barrier. I was lost.
Are you lost? Do you believe you have it all together all the time? Can you readily admit that you have weaknesses and flaws? Do you hide your mistakes? Do you rely on your reputation, or do you work for the world rather than for God? As someone who understands the desire - the need? - to feel important, successful, and in control, I am urging you to open your eyes to the fact that our perfect little lives shield us from the glory of God's power, mercy, and even purposes for us. No one is perfect.
I wake up every day and do a self-check. I prayerfully take note of and repent for my perfectionist tendencies. This will likely be ongoing, until the day I say goodbye to this life and enter my home.
I hope to break any generational cycles related to this, too. I'm determined to teach my children this truth - that no one is perfect (aside from Jesus) and we should not strive to be such. If we are wrapped in shame because we're not meeting our own unrealistic expectations and therefore covering up our sin, we will never learn to take ownership of our "stuff." We won't have integrity. We'll never be able to remove the barrier and allow God's redemptive power to take over. That's true freedom - having the vulnerability and transparency to admit we aren't perfect in order to discover and live out God's perfect purpose for our very existence.
If you'd like to learn more or discuss perfectionism with me, check out the icuTalks Conference in Charlotte, North Carolina on September 9, 2017. I'll be facilitating the interactive workshop titled, "I Get to Be Imperfect."
Influenced by Matthew 11:28, 2 Corinthians 12:10, Matthew 26:41, 1 Corinthians 1:27, my story as told in the book Clay Jar, Cracked, and my prayer life.
©2012-2017 Cortney Donelson. All rights reserved.
Cortney's book, Clay Jar, Cracked: When We're Broken But Not Shattered is available now on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble, and other retailers, as well as at www.cortneydonelson.com! Visit www.cortneydonelson.com for more information and to learn about the "I'm a Clay Jar" Encourager Class for groups! To schedule speaking engagements, please email Cortney directly.
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