After the Big One By Cortney Donelson

Photo by Westia

Romans 5:3-5 (NIV)

“Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.”

Most of us have experienced a serious blow or two to our otherwise happy hearts: a childhood trauma, a deep betrayal, an unfathomable circumstance, or perhaps impenetrable grief.  Through the battle, we fought. We prayed. We fell to our knees and with nowhere else to turn, we asked God for mercy, healing, and rehabilitation. He granted it, and we came out of the darkness with a renewed hope and a stronger faith.

Down the road called time, we realize there is one negative consequence of surviving a huge heart wound and coming out the other side. From the moment of restoration and forward, there is the risk of believing that every other poke to your scarred heart is not worthy of feeling.

I want to tell you that is a lie. God cares about every poke, prod, pierce, and plunge into our hearts. Big or small, they matter to Him. I admit, however, it is sometimes difficult to convince ourselves of this truth. I have recently struggled with allowing myself to hurt over something I judged as not worthy of the pain. 

My struggle started when my thoughts became focused on comparing my current pain with past pain.  Rationalization convinced me that since this situation paled to one a few years ago on the “pain scale,” I had no right to get so emotional about it. Logic told me that I should just “get over it.”  Unfortunately, this type of reasoning seemed to make me feel worse. I could not work through the pain because I was so ashamed for reacting to it in the first place. I was not giving myself any space to feel, only to think. My heart was breaking from a thousand mini pokes because I was too pinpointed on the pain scale to realize that too many painful pokes will eventually kill. 

So, how did I finally reach the conclusion that it was okay to feel my pain and disappointment over the “little thing?”  I did three things. 

1. I prayed. Just as with the big pain event, I went to God with my hurt. I opened my hands and gave the pain to Jesus. In return, He gave me Romans 5:5 “And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” He told me there is no shame in pain. Suffering produces hope, not disgrace. Hope is built from all our character-building pokes, minor or major. However, prayer was not the only thing He wanted me to pursue. God pointed me to those I do life with too. 
2. I shared. Without safe people in my circle, such as my husband and a few close friends, where I can be vulnerable, admit my shame, and disclose my unfair pain scale comparisons, the struggle would have continued to circle inside my head. Giving my pain a voice helped allow my head to rest and my heart to hurt … and finally heal. Otherwise, I would have been slowly killed by the thousand little pokes.
3. I forgave. God and those safe Christian warriors in my corner reminded me that unforgiveness was piercing my heart too – possibly more than the actual painful events. They showed me that I had forgiven some of the hurts, but not all of them. There were repetitive prods that were messing with my heart. This was the most difficult step for me. The source of my hurt was not asking for forgiveness. Yet, I needed to let everything go, including any future pokes. I was reminded that forgiveness is for those whose hearts are breaking, not for the ones who break the hearts. Forgiveness frees the poked and prodded and rescues them from a thousand deaths. It is not freedom for those who don’t even realize the hurt they have caused or worse, those who may realize it and not care enough to act. 

We all have hurts, and they come in many different sizes. When we experience the worst of the worst and survive, it can be difficult to reconcile any other pain that follows. God wants us to stop playing the pain scale comparison game – both within ourselves and with others. Every hurt matters, no matter what we’ve been through before and no matter what anyone else is going through either. 

Let’s not let a thousand little pokes kill us.

Prayer – God, thank You for loving us through all our pain, not just the big stuff, Thank You that You pour into our hearts and care about it all. Help us with forgiveness, and heal us from ourselves.  We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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